As some may know, I was diagnosed in April 2008 and I left school until March 2009. That one year away was one of the worst thing that had ever happened to me. In just that 12 months, I realised that the friendships I had with my closest friends just weren't the same anymore. That one year was suppose to make us bond, it was suppose to make us closer.
When I returned to school, I couldn't make it go back to the way it was. I was so distant from people and I was just so awkward with everyone. To make matters worse, I went back three months into the school year. Everyone had their own cliques in their own classes and I was placed in a class with people that I weren't close with. I was in such a horrible position and yet I couldn't tell anyone how I felt.
Going back to band was probably one of the most reluctant thing I had wanted to do. Sure, I missed playing with the band, I missed playing in concerts, I missed the saxophones but the reality was that I missed one whole year of playing. I was a Secondary Three student with a skill of a Secondary One student. I hated it. I hated the fact that I missed the chance to get into the committee. I hated the fact that I never had the chance to teach my Juniors. I hated the fact that I just wasn't a good player anymore.
I never did say this but I was lonely in band. My friends in the committee hung out together, the juniors hung out together. I was just the weird senior who came in abruptly and played terribly. I never did get the chance to play solos in concerts. Everything that I had hoped for when I joined the band was now impossible and I started to give up. I gave up the thought of being in the committee, I gave up the thought of being the best saxophonist. I just went for practices, played, smiled and went home.
It wasn't all that bad though.
|Saxophone Quartet, Fantasia VIII. |
|To M and C, I love you both very very much. 9 years and counting.|
|To T,C,K. Thank you so much. It's really strange because I have no idea how we became close but I'm glad we did.|
|10 years in an all girls school, imagine the weirdness I felt going to Poly. |
This song, Dona Nobis Pacem, holds so much emotional memories and it's a pity I only got to play it once with the band. Give it a listen.