July 15, 2013

12 months.

I think I have delayed this post from being published for months now and I just can't keep it inside of me any longer. I need to type it all down.

As some may know, I was diagnosed in April 2008 and I left school until March 2009. That one year away was one of the worst thing that had ever happened to me. In just that 12 months, I realised that the friendships I had with my closest friends just weren't the same anymore. That one year was suppose to make us bond, it was suppose to make us closer. 

When I returned to school, I couldn't make it go back to the way it was. I was so distant from people and I was just so awkward with everyone. To make matters worse, I went back three months into the school year. Everyone had their own cliques in their own classes and I was placed in a class with people that I weren't close with. I was in such a horrible position and yet I couldn't tell anyone how I felt. 

Going back to band was probably one of the most reluctant thing I had wanted to do. Sure, I missed playing with the band, I missed playing in concerts, I missed the saxophones but the reality was that I missed one whole year of playing. I was a Secondary Three student with a skill of a Secondary One student. I hated it. I hated the fact that I missed the chance to get into the committee. I hated the fact that I never had the chance to teach my Juniors. I hated the fact that I just wasn't a good player anymore. 

I never did say this but I was lonely in band. My friends in the committee hung out together, the juniors hung out together. I was just the weird senior who came in abruptly and played terribly. I never did get the chance to play solos in concerts. Everything that I had hoped for when I joined the band was now impossible and I started to give up. I gave up the thought of being in the committee, I gave up the thought of being the best saxophonist. I just went for practices, played, smiled and went home. 

It wasn't all that bad though. 

Saxophone Quartet, Fantasia VIII. 

To M and C, I love you both very very much. 9 years and counting.

To Q and L. You have been with me ever since Secondary One and you have stood by me until now. The truth, I have been such a terrible friend to you. I could tell that you were trying really hard to bring back the tight friendship that we had but on the other hand, I wasn't trying hard enough. I'm sorry, I truly am. 

To T,C,K. Thank you so much. It's really strange because I have no idea how we became close but I'm glad we did.

Now that I think of it, being placed in 3/4 was really a blessing in disguise. I had the most wonderful and amazing teacher anyone could have, I have become close friends with people I never thought I will be close with. Everyone in the class was just so understanding and helpful. Thank you 3/4 '09, 4/4'10. 
10 years in an all girls school, imagine the weirdness I felt going to Poly. 

I don't want to bring anyone down with this post. If you are my friend and is reading this, if I have offended you in anyway, I apologize. 

This song, Dona Nobis Pacem, holds so much emotional memories and it's a pity I only got to play it once with the band. Give it a listen.